Shame: A Sickness of the Soul

The above lyrics from a popular rock song capture the essence of the affect of shame. Shame is a wound to the psyche which can dramatically impact self esteem, intimacy, and identity. When we feel shame we are plagued by self doubt, impotence, and a sense of inadequacy. Shame involves the feeling of being "exposed" or "seen" in a painfully diminished sense. People experiencing deep shame are unable to feel whole, complete, or sufficient as they are. This frequently results in a division within themselves and from others as the above lyrics suggest.

In order to understand shame we must first understand the dynamics of relationships. Entering into a relationship requires that we become vulnerable to another person. We allow the other person's opinions, caring, and respect to matter to us. Our reactions to such expressions have a powerful impact on those with whom we are in relationship, particularly when they are expressing ("exposing") their feelings or needs. Everyone needs confirmation that their needs and feelings are inherently valid if they are to feel valuable and worthwhile as people. The failure to understand and appreciate the needs and feelings of those with whom we are in relationship is the root cause of shame.

Children are especially susceptible to shame because they develop their identity based on other's reactions to them. Children inherently view their caretakers as omniscient and consequently the repeated failure of parents to hear and honor their children's feelings and needs is interpreted by them as a indication of their own inadequacy (otherwise, children reason, their parent wouldn't act this way). Such early shame can be perpetuated by highly critical parents (who are continually reminding their child they are deficient), or parents who use comparison, contempt, or blaming to control their children or others. Children who suffer the visceral humiliation and violation of physical or sexual abuse feel profound shame. Their shame can often manifest in self destructive, violent, or revenge seeking behaviors.

When we are continually shamed and made to feel deficient, inadequate, etc. we begin to see ourselves this way. The way we are externally treated by others becomes the way we internally treat ourselves. Our internal image can therefore become shame-based and the feelings around which we have been shamed as children become the unconscious triggers for feeling internalized shame as adults.

If, for instance, a boy is shamed around feelings of sadness, hurt, or grief (ie. told "big boys don't cry" or "take it like a man"), having these feelings as an adult may make him feel shameful, deficient, etc. Children who were repeatedly shamed for displaying competence and independence in their families may find that success or mastery as an adult unconsciously triggers shame and results in a troubling fear of success. The process whereby internalized shame is unconsciously triggered can occur when experiencing a variety of feelings and needs including nurturance, joy, touch, sexuality, etc. causing dramatic impacts to self esteem, intimacy, and identity.

There are a variety of ways people defend against shame. The most common coping mechanisms include rage, internal withdrawal, blame, contempt, striving for power and control, perfectionism, and comparison making. All of these strategies serve the function of temporarily alleviating the painful feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and unlovability that shame bound people struggle with, but none of these address the root cause of their shame.

Recovering from shame is a slow and painful process. All of us need to feel that who we are is valuable and it is through receiving affirmation from those we are in relationship with that we learn to affirm ourselves. Our ability to do this internally is the basis for positive self esteem and enables us to deal with defeat, rejection, and failure. To the extent that we did not learn how to affirm ourselves as children we must learn to as adults.

Therapy can provide a safe place where shameful feelings can be approached and validated. Clients can experience the pain of feeling inadequate without fear of being shamed again and then slowly develop new more affirming beliefs about themselves. Looking at the past can often be helpful to clients in understanding how they got to be the way they are and in recognizing that they have a "choice" about how they are going to view themselves in the future.