Dr. Fred Luskin, director and cofounder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project (www.learningtoforgive.com) describes forgiveness as follows:

"Forgiveness is the feeling of peace that emerges as you take your hurt less personally, take responsibility for how you feel, and become a hero instead of a victim in the story you tell."

When struggling with the hurts of our lives it can be tempting to forgive those who have injured us before we fully acknowledge the depth of our injury. In my practice I have observed that when clients attempt forgiveness too early it can perpetuate their denial and stall the healing process. Equally troubling for clients can be the pain which results from the resistance to forgive after working through emotional injury. When we hold onto our grievances beyond when it is appropriate we remain victimized and stuck.

Human beings consciously and unconsciously hurt one another often. When we hurt others consciously that is a personal act but when we do so unconsciously it is an impersonal one. Recognizing that our hurts have both a personal and impersonal component is the first step toward being able to forgive.

My eldest son had a pet snake when he was a young boy. One day I noticed he was forlorn and asked what was troubling him. He replied, "Daddy, I love my snake but he doesn't love me back." My son was interpreting his pet's impersonal behavior personally and feeling hurt as a result. When I explained to my son that his snake was just being a snake he started feeling better.

When we are hurt by the conscious actions of others and interpret it impersonally we minimize our hurt and remain in denial. When we interpret the same hurt too personally we form grievances. Grievances form, according to Dr. Luskin when "we take our hurts too personally, blame the offender for how we feel and tell ourselves a grievance story". Grievances, when unaddressed, can result in severe emotional and physical stress.

The challenge is to break the toxic cycle of blame and repeated victimization which grievances create. I have found clients become empowered when they recognize that by blaming they are focusing on wanting something from someone else when the only person they can control is themselves. By accepting responsibility for their feelings rather than blaming others they can start letting go of their grievances and begin working through the hurt.

Clients who minimize their hurt present a different challenge. I have found modeling deep empathy for the personal aspect of their hurt can help them acknowledge their injuries and learn to identify the underlying feelings. Developing self-compassion softens us and facilitates change .

When we learn to acknowlege our hurts and take resposibility for our feelings, rather than neglecting or overindulging them, we become empowered. We allow ourselves to move forward, letting go of the impact of the hurts of our lives. We are more open to the peace which comes from forgiveness.