finding strength in fear
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psychotherapy for anxiety and depression Shoshona Pascoe, Santa Rosa mental health professional
Shoshona Pascoe MFT Marriage Family Therapist
Licensed Marriage
and Family Therapist
MFC #35642
405 Chinn Street
Santa Rosa, CA 95404
Phone: 707-573-9575

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Articles by
Shoshona Pascoe:

The Via Negativa: Living Authentically into the Yes The Via Negativa: Living Authentically into the Yes
ANXIETY and A Story About Turtles ANXIETY and A Story About Turtles
FOOD: Pleasure or Pain? Using this Essential Need To Live Well FOOD: Pleasure or Pain?
The Layers poem by Stanley Kunitz Living in the Layers
The Layers poem by Stanley Kunitz "The Layers," a poem by Stanley Kunitz
Santa Rosa Drug Abuse Alternatives Center (DAAC) Working with Pregnant and Parenting Women in Recovery
santa rosa psychotherapist Shoshona Pascoe "The Guest House," a poem by Rumi
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Shoshona Pascoe, psychologist Kindness
Rumi poem Kindness about compassion "Kindness", a poem by Naomi Shihab Nye
good communication in relationships Communication: Touching Every Relationship, Weaving our Relational Lives
counseling for couples and spouses in sonoma county, california Couples Therapy:
How We Are Wired for Connection and What Gets in the Way
Empty nest syndrome: when grown children leave home The Empty Nest: Letting Go Into Fullness
treating SAD (seasonal affective disorder) in the winter time Depression: Self-Care and the Winter Season
teaching children to be emotionally intelligent Emotional Intelligence: Coaching Our Children, Coaching Ourselves
book review of prefect love imperfect relationships by John Welwood Book Review: "Perfect Love Imperfect Relationships"
incorporating yoga into inner emotional and psychological work Yoga and Inner Work
Shoshona Pascoe is a marriage and family therapist in santa rosa Witness




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The Via Negativa: Living Authentically into the Yes

I first came upon the phrase Via Negativa when the poet David Whyte spoke of it. Via Negativa: what we must say no to in life to find the next step that serves our deeper unfolding. The Negative Way, how refreshing! Not negative in the usual way, rather a courageous path of saying no thank you until the yes is clear. Clearly this is no simple matter at times as we honor the commitments of our practical life but sense the promptings of inner longings and seeking.

Each phase of life brings particular tasks that evoke what may appear to be opposing forces. After college shall I travel the world, learning from different cultures as I long to do, or apply myself to building a resume by seeking employment? Perhaps choosing which field to seek employment brings questions without clear answers. The pioneering step may be to decline the urge to travel and build a firm financial footing that can support other creative endeavors, or not. The other side is to take a leap and follow the less secure route, heeding the call of adventure and exploration. The connections we make on this journey, both outer in the people we meet and inner, in the passion we discover may be exactly the route to our lifework. We might meet a mate as we open to the unknown. The Via Negativa provokes a process of inner listening, a pause from the usual habits of decision making, to take into consideration our practical life alongside our soul life. As a parent I want to provide for my children, build intimate bonds with partners and family, fulfill professional responsibilities and also remain true to a self-relationship that includes self-care, creative expression, and inner inquiry. Deep life choices of whether to have children, to marry, ask us to consider what our unique life and needs for satisfaction require. The choices are complex and multi-layered, even wrenching.

Giving ourselves permission to say no thank you when we are not clear takes courage and patience. Opening to the Via Negativa requires we sit in the discomfort of uncertainty as we claim the needs of our soul life beside the more obvious demands of the outer life. Do I deserve to say no here? Am I selfish, walking away from what appears to be an opportunity? My head is saying yes but my heart is saying no. Values and issues of worthiness are brought forth for review. Stepping into the Via Negativa may feel like an empowering moment, permission to broaden the field of possibilities, yet not without the fear and doubt that accompany entering unknown territory.

People come to therapy sometimes with clear problems that need attention, crises that will not wait. At other times what moves us to seek time and space to explore ourselves with a therapist, are vague feelings of discontent or emptiness. Numbing to the soul's calling, not listening to the needs of our inner life, can trigger symptoms such as anxiety, depression, irritability, or bodily complaints. We witness our children's developmental milestones yet as adults we may ignore the passages our developmental moments ask of us. The Via Negativa is one way of framing how we meet the choices before us, how we pause before moving and creating the next phase of our lives. The following poem by Rilke speaks to this process of enlarging our capacity for "not knowing" and feeling our way into the answers we seek:
Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves...
Don't search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer.
---Rainer Maria Rilke

And a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt challenging self doubt, eliciting courage:

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
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