People who are violent need assistance learning how to manage difficult feelings without blaming and attacking their partners. Many people who are violent feel out of control, and resort to violence because they feel desperate, or because they have learned a pattern of violence in their own families. After a violent incident, the aggressor is often left with a feeling of deep regret and shame, and may feel desperate to "make up" with the person they have attacked. Being able to handle oneself well in a situation that is troubling increases self-esteem and lays to groundwork for establishing a relationship that is respectful of oneself and the other person.

People the victim of verbal or physical abuse often need help understanding that they did not cause the violence. They may have developed a pattern of believing that if they were more lovable or were a better person, the violence would not happen, as they were often told by their abuser. Often they need help learning to prioritize their own needs and to expect their partner to be responsible for their own behavior. They often feel caught in the violent or demeaning relationship and may need support and assistance in order to gain the courage to protect themselves from violence or to consider whether to leave a relationship that is destructive.